I was born today

Today it’s my birthday. I’m not doing an elaborate celebration. Coffee with my grandparents and afternoon tea with my mom. And a sneaky little dinner with my partner. I don’t know where we’re going yet.

That’s all I really wanted for today. It’s also a Monday and I’m working. I spent some quiet time with myself and some time in nature yesterday already. To reflect on the past year and get excited for the next one.

For my actual birthday I conversed with myself about it and came to the conclusion I don’t fancy a big party right now. It was all decided very democratically. If I’m completely honest, I was also way too late to invite everyone - even if I wanted a celebration. I would maybe like to have some sort of event in the future, but don’t feel like hosting right now. 

Normally Dutch birthdays are all the same. No matter how hard we try to be cool, we always end up with coffee, sitting around a room balancing paper plates with dry cake. If we’re lucky, there’s some background music. We talk to each other, mainly. We make jokes, keep it lighthearted, but never really go beneath the surface. There’s usually no dancing or games. And there’s an end time. Always.

Even if it’s not specifically on the invitation. We don’t have to add it anymore. Every Dutch person knows there’s a sweet spot where everyone is expected to leave.

And it’s okay. Apparently that’s our culture. I don’t mind the way we celebrate birthdays that much. But I have to be in the right frame of mind for that, as you can imagine. 

I would love to just host somewhere. Invite friends and family all together and have some good conversation and eat some good food. But my financial situation doesn’t really allow such a party. In my mind you’d actually have to be rich to be able to afford an outside venue and food.

Also, my birthday’s on the 24th of November. I can’t really go outside. Autumn in the Netherlands is not many things, but it is very, very wet.

I’m turning 27 today. It’s old for my little brother and sister. It’s young for most of my colleagues. I don’t think I mind growing older. Maybe all 27-year-olds say that. Maybe I’ll mind when I turn 29 or 30. 

Throughout every new year I try to do some inner work on myself. To see if I feel my age, and if not, why. Had I thought I would’ve accomplished more? Am I doing enough of the things that make me enthusiastic on a regular basis? Or do I feel like I’m missing some substantial part of ‘me’?

I’ve been thinking about the 27 Club a lot today. I’m not in a place where I’ll join them soon, I think, mentally or medically. And if, for some reason, I do, I wouldn’t make it to the list. People speak about them with such sorrow. And I get it. But when I turn 27 it’s “the wrong side of your twenties”. Why? Is it only because of accomplishments? Or maybe potential?

Either way, I don’t envy them. 

I used to want to be famous. Back when I was the age that 27 sounded old to me too. Since then I’ve slowly let go of that dream. Not because I don’t think I could achieve it, but because I realise I never wanted to. Not really. 

I’ve never wanted to be the best at something. I just wanted to be good. And I thought in order to be good at something, to succeed, you had to be the best. But that’s a philosophical journey for another time. Maybe for my 28th.

In the meantime, I wish myself a very happy birthday. And you too, if we happen to share our birth day.