My boyfriend has a daughter

About 3 years ago I got together with my boyfriend. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. I knew the responsibility I would carry if I’d get into a relationship with him beforehand and mentally prepared myself. At least I thought I did.

We’re not the primary caregiver. She resides with her mother most of the time. We’re building towards more time with her.

I try to be the fun aunt/friend, but also somewhat of a role model/ step parent. As any part-time step parent out here might know, that’s an incredibly difficult line to walk. I really thought I was prepared to do this. The speed with which I came back on that statement could be studied for generations. 

When my partner and I started living together, we gave her some time with her dad alone before meeting me. I stayed a couple weekends at my mom’s so as not to overwhelm her with both a new house and dad’s new girlfriend. 

After a couple months I slowly started joining in on activities. My boyfriend loved to include me in everything, and all three of us had a lot of fun. 

A couple months later however there was a short phase where that backfired. We started being easily annoyed by one and another. I made the decision to give them a bit more space. Plan more things outside of the house so she had some quality time alone with her dad. That worked very well and our bond started to improve again.

I guess we’re going to encounter a lot more of such phases over time. Of course, especially during puberty. I’m so curious to see what kind of young woman she grows into. 

I’ve always loved kids. Loved hanging out with my nieces and nephews and did multiple volunteer jobs with kids when I was a teen myself. I think I thought that if I ever got in a relationship with someone who had a kid, I would grow to love that child like my own. But I’m not there yet. At least for now.

Maybe that would’ve been the case if we were the primary caregiver. Maybe it just takes more time than I’ve given it now. I know it’s probably normal, but I can’t help feeling a little guilty.

I love her very much and I also love spending time with her. But it’s nothing like the love I see in my partner’s eyes when he looks at her. I think I’m a little sad about that. I’m not sure.

I’d still do anything for her and I want her to have the most wonderful life possible. 

Most of the time it’s so fun to have a kid around the house. They are up for anything, have endless amounts of energy and - in my case - love to do arts and crafts. Last week she asked if she could add some things to her slime. I showed her the glitter and beads because I wanted to see how it’d turn out.. 

You can guess how that went.

The flipside is that it’s sometimes really hard to share my space with an extra someone. Especially if it’s a kid. And every enthusiastic project makes a mess. In this case it was my own fault, though ;)

My relationship with my partner also completely changes. She has a tough time accepting any form of intimacy between me and her father. I can’t watch anything on tv and I can’t play the music I want. I can’t do any activities in my house uninterrupted. As I’m typing this, it feels very whiney. But with every positive aspect of kids comes a negative. It’s part of the deal.

And if adjusting to a new person in the house every now and then is the price I pay for all the joy I experience. I'll happily pay it. Most of the time ;)

I hope we give her incredible memories and prepare her for the world with empathy and wittiness.